I sat in the cold empty apartment staring into the bathroom mirror. The kids were still asleep in the single bedroom which we all shared, and I had only minutes before I would have to wake them up and start the rituals of life as a newly divorced single mother.
As I stood there reminding myself that the one thing I never wanted to be was A.) A single mother and B.) A divorced single mother....I realized something. I realized how I had gotten here. I realized how I had indeed created exactly what I feared the most:
I had learned from an early age to stifle my voice.
I had learned to always pretend everything was “fine” and to shut down my own needs and desire as a way to “keep the peace”.
I had learned from an early age that it was wrong and selfish to want things for myself, that it was an inconvenience to others if I spoke up for myself.
I had learned the habit of sacrificing myself and my own happiness so that others could be “happy” meanwhile allowing my own soul to wither away in silent misery.
I had learned to tolerate the negative behavior of others—even at my own expense-- out of my fear of being shamed, rejected or abandoned.
I had learned that I should settle for what I got, that I had ‘dug my own grave so now I had to go lie in it’.
I had learned to become small so that others could feel safe.
And on that cold winter morning, staring in the bathroom mirror, I vowed NO MORE.
Because it was exactly my failure to do each of these things that had created the life that I was walking away from. It was exactly my failure to do each of these things that had crated pain for myself, my partner and my children rather than protecting them from it.
It was a HARSH MOMENT OF TRUTH that day staring in the mirror.
And yet it was a moment of genuine empowerment too.
Because I realized the POWER of who I AM and that TRUTH when spoken in integrity with the desires of the SOUL is what CREATES our experience of life. To do anything less is certain soul DEATH. And so that was the day I made the RADICAL CHOICE to step fully back into LIFE. *********************************************************
This was over 10 years ago now, yet this story is still one of the primary reasons I am so passionate about helping other women learn how to ditch the self- sacrifice, find their voice, and get back to love. Because these are what CREATE our experience of intimacy in our relationships. And these are the things that literally create our LIFE.
When there are issues in intimacy, you only need to look at these two factors---DESIRE and VOICE and then find and resolve the fear, limits and blocks. We fear being selfish. We fear hurting our partners feelings or inconveniencing them if we speak up or have needs. We settle for less because we don’t feel we are worth more, or we don’t have the confidence to believe we can do better. We tolerate negative behaviors thinking that this is “love” but then we act shocked when we feel betrayed, abandoned, or invalidated by our partner.
And so this is why I teach the important skills of: Learning to overcome guilt, shame, and fear.
Learning to heal the feminine fear of rejection and abandonment. Learning to find authentic desire and to re-connect with VOICE and CHOICE. Because when we do this, we literally create an entirely new experience of our life and our intimate relationship. We become empowered to generate connection, intimacy and love in an instant rather than expecting our partners to do it for us of or feeling trapped by our circumstances.
We learn how to take responsibility for our pleasure and how to speak up for our needs and wants—without the fear of hurting our partner’s feelings. We learn that self-sacrifice is a trap, and that it’s a habit that is harming our relationships. We come to see that it does nobody any good to simply re-arrange the pain on the planet. We learn to step into our own confidence, to cultivate this from WITHIN rather than being dependent on outside sources for validation. We learn to feel safe in sex, knowing how to navigate the waters of our own anxiety and fear so that we are no longer closing down, pulling away, or rejecting our partner.
We WAKE UP to the power of who we truly are as women:
The embodiment of LOVE. The Creatrix of CONNECTION. And the living emanation of TRUTH.
And THAT’s HOT!
So if you want to restore the intimacy in your relationship, start by giving VIOICE to your own needs and desires and wants. Start by honoring yourself; Ditch the self-sacrifice, woman! Put your big girl panties on and get on with your bad self! And if you want some help getting there, give me a shout out
Susan Morgan Taylor, MASpecialist in Women's Sexuality and Feminine Spirituality
Founder and CEO, The Pathway to Pleasure Collective and Feminine Wisdom Academy www.susanmorgantaylor.com
P.S.As a specialist in women’s sexuality I've helped hundreds of women and couples do the deeper work of intimacy so that they can save their relationship and get back to love (without the self-sacrifice!) I mentor women all over the world for a period of 4 months and show them how to connect with their deeper needs that are hiding beneath the surface of their anger, frustration, and resentment.
I show them how to use their voice--and stand in their true power--—so that they can actively cultivate more LOVE, CONNECTION, AUTHENTICITY, and TRUTH and experience the pleasure and depth in sex and intimacy that they truly long for.
I lead them on a deep dive into the realms of our beautiful feminine sexuality and help them restore their relationship with themselves first, and then with intimacy, pleasure and love.
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