How many times have you gone out of your way to avoid salespeople (like those ones who come knocking on your door at dinner time or the ones at the grocery store trying to sell you a newspaper subscription)?
And how many times have you found yourself trying to “be polite” and engage in hearing out their spiel for much longer than you would like to?
How many times have you made a purchase that you really did not want, just to “be nice”, get out of the situation, or to “help them out”?
And then my guess is that after this happens you then feel angry at the SALESPERSON? For wasting your time? For “selling” you something you did not want? For “making you feel awkward”?
Take a moment and think about WHY you do this?
I mean, really WHY do you this?
And what does this have to do with your relationship?
Because at the core of this pattern of avoidance, or the tendency to get wrapped up in a situation that you feel like you cannot get out of without somehow compromising yourself, is a central theme, an unconscious habit, that silently wreaks havoc in our personal lives as well.
You see it’s not at all about the salesperson. Your resentment at the salesperson is only a reflection of your own unconscious habit of a difficulty in saying those magic words “No” without the knee jerk reaction of shutting down and running away.
Any resentment you may feel towards your partner right now is similarly only a reflection of YOUR unconscious habit of not knowing how to navigate (with grace and ease and even joy!) those sticky moments where you feel overwhelmed because you:
Why does this matter? Because there is a deeper inner work that is required of us if we are ever to truly find the fulfillment we are looking for in sex and intimacy.
And this inner work is not something that the other Sex gurus are teaching because they are too busy teaching you what “sells”—like how to have more O’s or how to give a great hand job.
But more O’s and hand job skills don’t equal more fulfillment. They don’t necessarily create more connection, intimacy or love.
If you have not done the inner work, more O’s will leave you feeling just as empty as when you started out—wondering where the “more” is that you really long for.
If you have not done the inner work you’ll be left always looking outside yourself to the latest “tool” or “technique” that promises to cure your disconnection but always ends up leaving you feeling empty.
If you have not done the inner work, you will not only keep avoiding salespeople, but you will also keep avoiding your partners bids for connection, and as a result you’ll unconsciously be avoiding the one thing you long for the most—to feel yourself expanded into LOVE fully expressed as LOVE ITSELF.
In this week’s episode of the Sex Talk Café Podcast “The Magic of No: Resolving Resentment in Intimate Relationships” I show you exactly what the core cause of resentment actually is and how to being to bring down it’s icy walls so that you can get back to the place you really want to be.
When you begin the journey with the inner work—the other stuff becomes much more fun.
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Dr. Bettty Martin is a former Chiropractor, and is currently a sex and touch coach, and certified Cuddle Party facilitator in Seattle, WA.